What is that falling from the board I am carrying? God, it is gigantic, it looked like a mangled wasp. Wait, is it in my boot? Oh shit, I feel it crawling up my leg; it is almost to my knee, aaaaaahhhhh, now little (or not so little) bastard is gnawing on my calf. What is happening to me, I feel light headed, is that the ground touching toward my face? Opening my eyes and seeing the soft blue sky looking down at me brings me comfort, wait, please don’t tell me that is a machete slicing toward my leg, surely it isn’t that bad, are they amputating already, can I have a second opinion? I hear a muddled tongue of Ngobere coming from the medicine mans lips, “Ñan teibiare kwra, ti ta mabe,” what the hell does that mean? I should have studied a little longer last night, god the venom is throbbing in my thighs, wait I know that one, “don’t worry tiger, I am here with you.” Jesus, what in the world does that have to do with the machete slicing open the blue sky as it reaches for my calf, I need my leg, or better yet I want my leg! what is the Peace Corps going to say when they find out my leg was amputated by a medicine man deep in the jungle? I feel I dull pain in my calf as the creature discharges more venom into my limb. Crunch!!!!! “Ya tare mabta bi niken kurera,” can someone please speak Spanish or any other language except Ngobere? Yes I understand you “the pain you feel will soon end,” tell that to the lymph nodes in my upper thighs that are throbbing like a teen’s heart at a Brad Pitt movie. What in the world did you do with the machete, is my thigh still intact? Wait don’t leave me, where are you going, are you really going to leave me alone in the jungle? Man, I feel light headed, I think I will just lie my head on this spongy moss and close my eyes till the Doc comes back, did I mention the sky was a nice lazy blue perfect for a nap. Aaahhh, that is sour, don’t you know better than to wake someone up when they are sleeping? Why am I being told to suck on a lime? The response by the medicine man, “didn’t your mother teach you to do what you’re told?” Coming to my senses I realize that my leg is killing me and so is my head, wait that sensation is slowly fading, surely it is not the lime. But I am being reassured by the Doc that it is. As I thank the medicine man for saving my life he laughs at me, telling me that most “men” would have walked it off in a few minutes, that we are weak race (Americans, as if we are a species).
Recap, a massive ant with a stinger twice the size of a wasp fell from the board that I was carrying into my rubber boot. After a second or two of jumping around it decided to sting me in my calf, thus injecting a large amount of venom into my blood stream. The medicine man disappeared into the jungle gathering the local remedies for the sting in a record time. But before making his exit he killed the insect with the broad side of his machete, hence the impending doom part. After being resurrected in the tropical rain forest we picked up our load and made our way down the mountain and back to (semi) civilization. Upon arrival the story of me being stung by a “dribe” spread through the village faster than a California wildfire, my ego taking the majority of the thumping. I would like to formally apologize to all American men for not being “man” enough and walking off the assault by the bizarre tropical insect. I think the only way I can regain respect is by bare handedly tear a shark apart in one hundred feet off water. For now I will keep my head a little low in order to avoid the ridicule, although let me tell you, that sting hurt like hell and I don’t care what kind of man you think you are, it would bring you to your knees.